The eye-opening discovery that opened a path to dialogue and conversation
by Kate O’Toole, AWC Berlin
As a lifelong Texan and then young immigrant in Russia, I have experienced dismissive attitudes towards feminism and women’s issues. Even the simple discussion of these topics tended to be rejected as hysterical propaganda. I was obviously aware, to some extent, of misogyny and had experiences of sexual harassment. However, people around me tended to dismiss them or put the responsibility on my shoulders. It was my cross to bear.
I should have spoken up in a crowded metro train. I should have worn long pants instead of a dress. I should not have put myself in these situations in the first place. It was always the job of the woman to protect herself. The general messaging seemed to be: It happened. Get over it.
This illusion broke when I was 28.
My ex-boyfriend and I never had a true break-up because he ended up in jail. He was arrested in Austin, Texas for, as it states in the police report, “assault causing bodily injury with impeding breathing or circulation.” He hit and shoved me, and then moved his arms. Before I could truly register what was going on, his hands were around my neck and he was strangling me. Strangling is such a harsh word. It’s an even more sinister act.
I saw his eyes. There was nothing behind them. They were black.
At that moment, I realized that this man could and would kill me. He took his hands off my neck to throw a table and I took off to the hotel reception. I saw him once more when I was in the ambulance. He came down, our eyes locked and he turned straight back around to enter the hotel. The police asked me if that was him. That was the last time I saw him in person.
My world view was not yet shattered on that night of August 3rd, 2021. Yes, I was broken, physically and mentally. One part of my head swelled from being hit over the head, and I looked like a half-human cartoon character. Afterwards, the swelling turned into dark purple, and that blue eye just wouldn’t open. I was a victim, and not just in private, as the journey back to my parents’ house in Dallas elicited many sympathetic glances and stares.
In all my years of watching Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, I was praying for my Olivia Benson to come swooping in and tell me what to do. However, that person never came. Despite having support around me, domestic abuse and its aftermath isn’t simple. It is akin to putting a frog in a pot of water and slowly letting it rise to a boil. I made it out just in time. I learned soon after that you are 750% more likely to be killed by your partner if they strangled you in the last year.
He, born in France to a Portuguese family, was in a foreign jail in a foreign land, and I contacted his family to inform them. But I was naive to think we would be on the same page. In less than two weeks, when the ring around my eye had faded into a faint lilac, ugly yellow, I was called in to give my statement on Zoom. On the screen sat the Austin judge, my ex, the district attorney and the public defender for a bail hearing. I stated that he shouldn’t be released. He is French. We met in Berlin. We both live in Berlin. The judge made him promise to stay in Lisbon with his family and promise to not go to Berlin.
For the charge of a felony, he was bailed out at one thousand dollars and had to leave the country in 48 hours.
I was broken before, but now my world had effectively shattered into jagged, jaded, little pieces. I grew up for 17 years in the Lone Star State, reciting at school to “Honor the Texas Flag” and to remember how Texas fought for its independence. I was humiliated and still feel, to this day, horribly betrayed by my own state. They put the rights of a man who committed a violent felony on his first trip to America over those of a victim and citizen. This man had physically tried to restrict my breath, and the judge conclusively allowed him to silence my voice.
His bail conditions were to check in on Zoom once a month and promise not to go to Berlin. He lied several times to my friends, stating he was in Berlin. The judge did not care. The judge postponed or even rescheduled his check-ins as she was running for re-election. The inevitable that everyone knew was coming: he stopped communicating with his public defender and is a wanted felon in the United States to this day.
It felt like a cruel joke played by the universe. The State of Texas and Travis County 331st Criminal District Court, under Judge Chantal Eldridge, directly created this set of events. For me, there was no indication of what would happen next.
How many times can one man terrorize women with impunity? My answer is quite pessimistic. I was not the first woman he psychologically and physically beat. His friends later admitted he was violent before. The Berlin police had a whole file on him when I went to report him. I am certainly not the last of his victims.
Texas kept adding insult to injury. My medical bills in Texas were $30,000. I do not have American insurance as I live in Europe. Everyone, from the Austin paramedics to the ER doctors, said I can just file for victims’ compensation. The system in Texas clearly loves jokes, and in a twist no one saw coming, my claim was denied as they stated I was German and not eligible. I live in Germany, I am not German. My parents and I were left utterly baffled.
The energy, time and resources it takes to be a survivor are exhausting. I am incredibly privileged as an upper-middle-class white woman, but even then, it’s incredibly tough. I had to try and rebuild my life – grappling with PTSD while entertaining this circus that is the Texas judicial system.
I was scared to move back to Berlin, but it is my home. It has been my home for five years. He could easily be back one day. Most of my friend group, primarily consisting of 40-year-old gay men, treated this period of my life as gossip fodder at their parties and told me they “can’t help me and maybe it is better to stay in Texas.”
I came back to Berlin anyway – to a new apartment and found new communities, one being the American Women’s Club. I had little patience with my former friends, and honestly, I wasn’t the same person they knew anymore. My eyes were wide open to what it was really like being a woman in a patriarchy. My rose-colored glasses to societal norms were effectively broken.
It takes a village to heal. The amount of spiritual work, trauma therapy, domestic abuse counselling, and combined support from strangers, friends and family has carried me throughout these years. The access to social resources was far easier in Berlin than in Dallas, but still not enough for the staggering rates of domestic violence worldwide.
As Brené Brown states, “Vulnerability is hard and it’s scary and it feels dangerous. But it’s not as hard, or scary or dangerous as getting to the end of our lives and having to ask ourselves: What if I would’ve shown up?”
My life, my voice and my talents were almost taken away by an entitled, selfish abuser who chose to hurt me. There is no excuse or justification for what he did. However, I am a living survivor. I am not a victim. I own and dictate my life on my terms now.
The United Nations Commission on the Status of Women (CSW 68) was a way forward for me, to figure out how I can make a difference. It was inspiring to meet fellow FAWCO members, their daughters, parliamentarians, and members from other civil society organizations (CSOs) while in New York. There is true power in sisterhood.
My biggest takeaway from the Commission is the need for interpersonal dialog in real life. There were meetings where time was wasted due to bureaucratic verbosity. Despite this limiting the depth in discussions, I found just having the platforms and defining the issues within gender inequality very affirming.
UN Secretary General António Guterres stated in the UN Townhall Meeting that some actors did not even want CSOs to participate in the conference at all. However, the CSO participation creates a necessary tension in furthering the conversation for and about women. It offers women from all different backgrounds and cultures a chance for their voices to be heard.
I attended Kazakhstan and UN Women’s event, “Strengthening and Expanding Social Protection Systems to Ensure Inclusiveness and Gender Sensitivity.” There is a tendency in the Commonwealth of Independent States (CIS) countries to downplay faults, as it is seen as weak governance. I was pleasantly surprised at Kazakh delegation and its relative transparency.
They were more forthcoming than expected, providing specific data analyses and what can be done to move forward. Questions from the audience included ones about the brutal murder of Saltanat Nurkenova at the hands of her husband, the former Kazakh Economic Minister. The trial is currently ongoing. Also, known women’s rights and LGBTQ+ activist Zhanar Sekerbayeva, from the group Feminita, heavily criticized the exclusion of her group from participation in International Women’s Day demonstrations. These criticisms were acknowledged by the Chief Advisor of UN Women, Madina Jarbussynova.
As someone who has spent a lot of time in Central Asia, these answers for a conservative country in a remote region with little oversight were not that bad.
The Uzbek delegation made a surprise visit and presented data pertaining to women in Uzbekistan. Needless to say, this meeting went way over the planned time but was very fascinating, getting into facts, figures and personal stories from a tightly controlled region.
Another meeting I really enjoyed was UNESCO’s “Eliminating poverty: structural interventions through education, culture and science.” One section was with Yucatan artists. We heard from Cándida Jiménez Bojorquez, an embroiderer. She discussed the hurdles girls and women face in their society, the traditional norms after marriage, and how that affects women’s ability to keep working in their trade. After this fireside chat of “combating poverty and empowering women through living heritage,” the conversation turned to artificial intelligence and the digital public sphere.
Ivana Drobnjak from University College London talked about the gender biases found within algorithms. She mentioned that when asking the algorithm to write a story about a boy, the main descriptors were “adventure,” “decisiveness,” “city” and “creativity.” When the algorithm wrote a story about a girl, such words as “magic,” “kindness,” “village” and “wedding” were used. In addition, the algorithms tended to lean on stereotypical career biases – describing nurses, maids, waitresses and secretaries as female professions, whereas male professions were more varied, such as doctors and engineers.
To me, this was a revelation. In relation to finance and investments, women have been quite behind, due to various factors and barriers. AI is another potential threat to gender equality, and women need to make sure we are not left behind in the technological innovations that are taking place currently.
The UN definitely deserves criticism for things like the fact that they chose Saudi Arabia as the chair for the next CSW. The UN at times seems toothless; however, I suppose that is what brings all countries in for dialog. The ability to have these conversations is important. The internet is a great tool for connectivity. Nevertheless, it can’t replace thoughtful and engaging discussions in person. The possibility for these conversations, in my eyes, seems to be less common as time goes on. I hope I am wrong.
Gender equality will probably not be seen in my lifetime, but it gives me hope to see such strong, powerful women and allies. Some of the people I met are putting their lives in danger for the work they do. My story of domestic abuse and the aftermath isn’t unique. In the United States alone, one in four women have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lives.[1] I hope we can get to a place, through dialog and action, where people worldwide recognize that such abusive behaviors are unacceptable, and perpetrators are given just consequences.
[1] “NCADV: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.” The Nation’s Leading Grassroots Voice on Domestic Violence, ncadv.org/statistics.